turns out im not nearly mature enough to hang out with someone named titi
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You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
Don’t waste electricity. Would you
like it if I turned you on and walked
away?
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
wait.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.