I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
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me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
OH MY GOD I FORGOT TO UNPLUG THE TOASTER
[flash to dog in sunglasses waiting for his fifth batch of waffles to pop up]
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
The only thing we know for certain about Macron is that he is 39 years old and even that will probably change next year.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Just me and my debit card against the world
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.