[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
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If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Hate it when I’m fighting a guy and we create a cloud of dust and then he casually steps out and it’s just me in there.
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
shoutout to the girl on reddit who posted saying “my partner didn’t inform me he’s having unprotected sex with someone else” and then elaborated that the “someone else” is the guys wife, who he is married to