interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
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i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
“Bring forth the sacrifice. The ritual must proceed.”
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
We need more insane laws like New Jersey’s “can’t pump your own gas” rule. No tying your own shoes in Delaware. It’s illegal to make your own pancakes in Wyoming. Don’t even try to shear your own sheep in Montana. I dare you to blow up your own balloons in Tennessee
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
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