Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
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Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
Today my carelessness made someone late for work. He could lose his job, his home. Sir, if you’re reading this, I can’t replace the extra .74 seconds you sat at that green light, but your honk–still echoing in my soul–serves as a harsh reminder that my actions have consequences
The cool thing about fall is that you completely forget your windows are open when you start losing your shit.
Like, “Hey everyone. Please enjoy the sweet sound of dysfunction radiating from our humble abode.”
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
“Wow, this toilet is really uncomfortable…”
~Me drunk in the hot tub as my guests throw themselves out
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.