A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
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Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
What?!?
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
water it, i dare you
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?
NASA: have you ever built a space ship?
Reporter: well no bu-
NASA: it’s really hard
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.