I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
You Might Also Like
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
[Playing poker]
*Takes my college diploma out of my wallet, unfolds it and slams it on the table
I raise you 125k
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
I’M CRYINGGG
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
*takes off pants*
*crawls into bed*Security Guard- Lady, this is Macy’s
*crawls out of bed*
*puts on pants*SG- Those aren’t your pants