When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
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fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Ladies, lemme assure you.. I’m not trying to get into your pants. I can barely get into my own pants at this point.
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.