* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
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Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
BRAZIL: Can you describe your attacker?
RYAN LOCHTE: You wouldn’t know him. He goes to another Olympics.
#LochteGate
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
I heard the food was good but it had no atmosphere.
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
23: Thanks Mom. If that’s even your real name.
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Today I learned you can use disposable
masks to brew espresso.That’s because they’re coughy filters.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!