My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
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Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
I finished assembling my Ikea chest of drawers, alone, with no help and no instructions.
In related news, i have a brand new stool now.
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
My work here is don’t.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag