Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
You Might Also Like
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.
Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
I can’t stop laughing at this I haven’t stopped laughing at this for the last 45 minutes
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
[casting call]
-have u acted before?
*shows VHS of me at a food court eating free samples like I might purchase the meal
-oh this guys good
My 2 year old just figured out how to block light from getting in her eyes using her hands and now she’s verbally taunting the sun. I appreciate her moxie, but a literal star war with a nuclear reactor 330,000 times the size of the Earth is the LAST thing we need right now.
[first day working at the zoo]
Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-
Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.