Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
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If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
It’s ok to laugh during sex…just don’t point.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale