If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
You Might Also Like
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
She was like “wrong hole”, so I said “adventurous on the e-harmony profile isn’t knitting quilts Velma”, long story short I’m still single.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
Succinctly put.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
*lights low
*her fingers tracing a scar on my arm
Her: How’d you get this?
Me: *softly I whisper* Are you familiar with Scrapbooking?
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
Do you ever feel like you’re a white shirt and life is a leaky burrito?