Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
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What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
My favorite type of men is ramen.
Me: *brings a package inside*
4yo: What’s is in there? Is it toys?
Me: Just some bras.
4yo: Ugh! Someone keeps sending you bras.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*