[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
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Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Geez man, take it easy.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
*wrapping up business meeting with Kellogg’s*
Kellogg’s Exec: Great work. You’ve given us so many new ideas for cereals. We’ll totally pay you for this.
Me: No you won’t. I know all your…Trix.
Kellogg’s Exec: That’s General Mills.
Me: Leave the military out of this.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.