*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
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If you can’t be with the dog you love, pat the dog you’re with.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
I’m an author when I write and I’m an actor when I lie, but I don’t get paid for either so my bio says accountant.
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.