K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
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*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
Me: Of course I’m an adult, I pay bills
Also me: NO, YOU MAY NOT BORROW MY DARTH VADER SIPPY CUP.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
ASSISTANT: so what dimensions do the doors, hinges, walls, and locks need to be so that it all fits?
GUY WHO INVENTED PUBLIC BATHROOM STALLS: can’t stress how unimportant that part is
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there