Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
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When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.
just gave your address to some spiders
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
These teams are playing like they know whoever wins goes to the White House
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
I think what my heartburn needs is some fried chicken
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Home buying tips:
-Up & coming area = Murders
-Good for young professional = Cheap bc of murders
-Open layout = See murders from the kitchen
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.