The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
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Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
There are only six months between Christmas and Easter which means Jesus was some kind of prodigy “super baby”. Most people don’t consider how much he accomplished in his short lifetime.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
How to make friends as an adult:
1. Say “we should hang!”
2. Do not hang.
3. Say “we should hang!” 6 months later.
4. Cancel.
5. Reschedule.
6. Respect their cancelation.
7. Reschedule.
8. Actually hang.
9. Say “we should do this more often!”
10. Die.
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.
I hope Alan is OK
Guantanamo Bae
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
My 7 year old’s Christmas wish list includes:
– a typewriter
– a boom box for his cassettes
– a book to learn cursive handwriting
– fountain pensWhat year does he live in??
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
Lockdown upside: I have learned how to operate the 17 remote controls for the tv.