All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
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I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
☺️
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*