ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
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*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Washed the drying rack and now idk where to dry it
So I listened to some LL Cool J then kept licking my lips like he does. I found myself in HR. Good thing I wasn’t listening to KISS.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
CW: Just quit, Bob, your inventions are useless
Bob [sulks into his office]: Maybe he’s right
*flicks light switch*
*parachute comes out*
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
omg thanks for ending the meeting 4 minutes early and “giving me some time back” — now I can finally pursue my passions
Hey morons, when in doubt, just spell it “theiyr’re.”
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
Me-Did you know blinking is how cats say I love you?
*blinks profusely at cashier*
Cashier-Your fries, ma’am. Just please take your fries.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕