Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.
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[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
a fat bumblebee keeps bumping into the window trying to get inside and ignores me explaining that outside with the sun and fresh air and flowers is where he wants to be so I’m holding my laptop up to the glass to show him I’m doing my taxes and convince him this is the bad place
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
How’s your Saturday going?
I’ll go first: my 10 yo came upstairs from his video game haze to tell me the dog peed on the rug again. We don’t have a dog.
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: make math go away
GENIE: ha ok that one’s on the house
ME: oh so I still get three wishes?
GENIE: huh?
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now