I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
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They’re called werewolves.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
I hate everything
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Fun to hear newscasters, while their chopper hovers over an active crime scene, scold people “the last thing the police need is spectators”
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
Hot Panini is in big trouble