[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
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Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…
In order to catch herpes…
You need to think like a herpe.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
“You know, your ex-wife was trash! I never liked her.”
“We’re still married, Grandma.”
“She’s such a lovely girl.”
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
Guy: Must be hard being named after the hay Jesus was born on
Christian Bale: What?
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?