[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
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I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
You don’t scare me, you’re not my ID photo.
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
Every earthquake is a reminder that you drunk-ate the good granola bars out of the earthquake kit eight years ago and never restocked them.
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”