a bunch of us teens are going out to the forest to burn a piece of paper that says ‘responsibilities’ on it. for symbolism
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Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
LAWYER: Would you like to press charges?
CHARGES: Please don’t touch me.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It’s stopped twerking.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
That de-escalated quickly
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any