I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
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Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
just make the entire table out of coaster
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
Me: spreads bacon grease on my toast
Also me: how did I gain weight this week?
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
We get it Amazon Prime, everyone relies on moms at the last second too
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”