I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
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I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
All along the watchtower, people squinted and said “I told you we should have built a clock tower.”
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
me: *ringing up 85 boxes of chocolate*
cashier : haha getting ready for Halloween are we?
me:
cashier:
me:
cashier:
me: what?
A new study suggests that a future study will completely contradict this study.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
Lmfao
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
“I just can’t help myself!”
—paramedic on his deathbed
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
I was voted ‘Worlds Worst Bartender’ for my very unpopular tuna daiquiris.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?