Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
You Might Also Like
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean