Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
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The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
I got into a fight with 1, 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”