The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
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*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.
To myself: ” Try and look like you know what you’re talking about in front of the mechanic. You’re a smart woman, don’t play dumb or you’re gonna get ripped off”
Me at the mechanic: “Car vroom sounds tikatikatika. Tee hee” *hands over credit card
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
Festive toon…
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
step 6: release the wall snake
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Me: I’m cutting back on wine!
Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
“Oh no I left the easy bake oven on” *runs home* *house is filled with tiny cakes*
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
No, he would not have.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”