[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
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My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
8 yo, singing quietly to himself “dancing queen, young and sweet, only seven teeth”
Darth Vader- Dark Lord
Ranger- park lord
Neighbor’s dog- bark lord
Marty Byrde- Ozark lord
Noah- ark lord
Twitter celebrity- checkmark lord
DEA chief- narc lord
Brandon- Stark lord
Sarah Silverman- snark lord
Mikhail Gorbachev- birthmark lord
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
Encourage your children to be unfriendly so you can keep your weekends free of other kids’ parties.