My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
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If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
The news in a nutshell.
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
I don’t know what I just witnessed, but this guy was swirling his glass of wine so fast, like a washing machine on it’s final spin, that I asked if he could do my laundry.
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Went to college and completed every homework assignment so I could graduate and live the dream of doing my kids’ homework.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Me: I don’t like ice in my whiskey
Him: that’s neat
Me: yeah, it’s pretty cool
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?