When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
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True
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
My teenage children choosing violence
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys