Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
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Her: I was robbed! They took EVERYTHING except some wire coat hangers and my Justin Bieber CD.
Me: I wonder why they left the hangers?
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Maybe OCD could pick up a mop once in a while
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
figure skating was invented in 1947 when a box of sequins collided with two knives
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
My ex can’t take his new girlfriend to basketball games because she gets pissed when the whole stadium makes fun of her by yelling REBOUND!
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out