Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
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My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Vegans aren’t so bad. They taste like chicken.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.
Our vision of Hell doesn’t come from the Bible; it’s a composite drawn from fictional sources like The Divine Comedy and Paradise Lost. Fearing Hell is tantamount to fearing the plot of a Stephen King novel.
WAITRESS: Is that a no on dessert?
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
If children knew how much their parents were winging it, the whole system would topple.
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.