Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
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Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
🖤✌🏽
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”