Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
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I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
I’m surprised so few people ask me why I’m carrying a cudgel around.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Don’t forget to tip your server
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Motherhood is the perfect combination of heart swelling pride and “I didn’t sign up for this.”