Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
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Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101