[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
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I can’t make it tonight. There’s a couple fighting at Target and the guy just started sarcastically clapping. I need to see where this goes.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
Not today, today.
Not today.
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
*sad ghost floats straight through the wall, the sofa, the table, the tv*
me: why so glum, ghost?
ghost: i’m just going through some stuff
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
welcome back
I can’t stop laughing at this
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
A game married people play.