A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
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The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
A treadmill minute is three times as long as an alarm clock snooze minute.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
Nav: ‘Take the next left turn.’
Me: ‘That’s not right.’
Nav: ‘No shit.’
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
the last thing a carrot sees
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.
When Billy Ocean takes a vacation, he becomes Billie Holiday.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON