Ah..makes sense now
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Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
[sequel to Thor Ragnarok]
ME: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* Four for Thor 4 at 4:44, por favor
CINEMA GUY: *for the 6th time this week* Please stop doing this
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
“Mmmm Brians”
– a dyslexic or gay zombie
“I FIXED IT!”
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her