Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
You Might Also Like
If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
Waiting for the Charmin
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
it’s a van. how do they not know this
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!