Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
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You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
The ultimate power move is signing emails “kind regards” because it implies there are kinder regards but they didn’t deserve them
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Aaaa…CHOO!