[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
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I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
I ordered a large pizza and before answering the door, I yelled, “Pizza is here,” so the delivery guy doesn’t think I’m eating a large all by myself.
My new sunglasses blend perfectly with the color of my hair so I won’t feel so stupid the next time I lose them on the top of my head.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment