God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
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the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
*drives Toyota Corolla into Mordor*
“See, nobody suspected a thing”
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
THE INVENTOR OF HAND SANITIZER: who’s the paranoid one now huh, WHO’S THE PARANOID ONE NOW
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
Wasn’t wearing my glasses at the park and bent down to pet some guy’s gym bag. How’s your night going?!
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *