My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
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Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
richard dawkins got owned again. when will this man learn
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
*holds seashell to ear* new shell who dis
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Just because it’s called a “fireplace” doesn’t mean it’s the only place I can start a fire
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
Gotta be tough for the guy somewhere who has to say “yeah, she left me for Charles Manson.”
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.