How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
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Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Friend’s Insta caption: how do you spend your Saturday’s?
Me: well I don’t spend them adding apostrophes to unsuspecting words that’s for sure
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
[In the back of the car, imitating GPS voice] IN A HALF MILE, TAKE A SLIGHT RIGHT. ALSO PUT ERICS MIXTAPE BACK ON THAT WAS SO GOOD
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.