Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
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I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
PARKOUR
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
I think God created marriage so death wouldn’t come as such a disappointment.
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.