Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
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Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Dyslexics are teople poo!
Just shooed that big green raccoon out of my garbage can again. Man, he’s grouchy.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
I CANNOT WAIT for this streaming service.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.